Unsent Letter

Again, I am sitting in front of the same picture which stands nicely on my desk. 

His smile was incredible and I was the happiest woman, at that time.

It had been a while. Well.. Were a few years considered as a while? Or maybe more than a while?

I do not know what keeps me looking at the picture. It is just the same after all. 

Probably because it never changes, I will always find my home on his eyes.

Home, I never really had a home ever since. 

Yes, I was close to some fuzzy guys but they were nothing but loneliness friends. I knew it was wrong, but I just wished I could find a new home on their eyes, but none of it seemed like a home to me.

I wonder how is he doing? The last time we talked, we said we were happier this way.

God, I was lying. Did his stupidity outgrow? 

How would someone be fine when everything she needed was taken away?

I am looking at my laptop and searching for his name on Facebook.

It is what I have been doing in the last few years.

I check on his Facebook, I check on his photos, and I already get used to the relationship status he has. That girl's name: Clara Jessica.

I curse that name and no matter how many times I pray for her to be uglier each day, in the end I always pray that he can be happy with her.

I always pray she can make him the happiest man in the world like he used to make me feel.

Trust me, it is just a story about a brokenhearted woman. And it is me.

*

I never took out this photo even though my girlfriend had been asking me for hundred times.

I just feel that this wallet is the place where this photo belongs to be.

Every time I miss those eyes, I don't need to try hard imagining it. It is safe there.

It has been years but I am just not over her.

My girlfriend, Clara Jessica, she is beautiful, but she is not my home. We decided to have this relationship a year ago, based on my mother.

I knew she just did not want to see me broken, she introduced me to Clara. I have this relationship, but I think my heart does not.

I am not even sure why I keep having this fake relationship, probably I have turned into a robot, a mankind without a heart.

Absolutely, my heart was left with her.

I even remember the last talk we had. 

She said she was really happy with her life, how I wished I could be as happy as she was.

I did not want to disturb her perfect life, so when she asked me the same thing, I answered the same way, but I lied.

Just if she looked closer into my eyes.

I would never be happier when she ever made me the happiest man in this entire world.

Why cannot she teach me how to be totally fine?

I check on her Facebook almost everyday. I always have this fear that I will find something I do not want to know. What if she finally finds the one? But then, I just cannot keep my self away from the needs to know every single thing of her.

I wonder if she ever opens my Facebook just to check on my life? I wonder if I still cross her mind once in a while.

How is she doing?

I used to never believe there is no pain that cannot be cured. Not anymore. In fact, my pain is one of it.

*

I feel extremely tired of missing him. I should have done something but I end up crying.

*

I do not know that missing someone can so much kill like this, I suffer.

*

Dear James,

No song is able to describe what I'm feeling right now

I tried to tell you I wasn't okay

It's just.... you didn't realise.

You never do.

For you, who will never read this,

I declare that I'm still stuck in the same memories.

It has become a permanent part and how I wish it could be erased. But, no matter how hard I tried to heal my self,

The furthest that I could go was just at least to pretend.

What I gather is my new ability to be a great pretender,

And yes, I'm proud that I have something that I'm great at.

You, wherever you are,

You are still part of me, and without you I feel incomplete.

You are still the hero of my story, but where have you gone?

You. Whatever you do.

Do you stalk me like I do?

Do you wait for my call and will smile when you find my name on the phone?

You.. Yes, you.

The goodbyes seem invalid, I can't even move on.

But I promised my self, I will not ruin your life.

I can't reach you anymore.

So, just once, I perhaps need a hand here.

I just want to take off my mask and lay down for a second.

Dealing with the truth and taking a break from pretending.

The moment these words are empty, that's the moment the goodbye exists.

Will it be really expired? Our love?

*

Dear Gracia,

It feels so lame but I'm sick to death.

I lost my strength when I've been wasting my time without you.

I didn't know what spell you gave me, but it works indeed.

No word I can use exactly.

The closest meaning has been spoken out.

Why didn't you understand?

Were you the only one who understood me more than anyone ever did?

I'm no longer me, I'm no longer familiar with my life.

Right, I no longer know what's the best word to describe what I am now.

And it's so pathetic I'm facing the extinction of my self.

You. Wherever you are.

You still own the dreams of mine.

You are still the biggest vital part in my brain.

You are the only someone I want to spend my time with.

You, whoever you are right now.

You are still the one that I crave the most.

Do you still care about my eternity thirst?

It's funny how I don't want to stop writing,

It's the only way I can tell you what I can’t seem to tell you.

I want you to read my mind.

It's so exhausting that I have to compete with my self.

Look at me, find me,

You are the only person who will recognise me completely.

Is it really over? Us?

*

We have lost our powers, and it remains invisible.

I clicked ‘save to draft’, It is better if I keep it hidden.

If we were destined to find each other, it will bring us together again.